Other bits from our wedding

The Bridegroom's Speech

For those who are interested (or just extremely bored), here is the speech that I read out:

Not for the first time today do I rise trembling from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand…’

Distinguished guests, relatives young and old, friends, freeloaders, hangers on and anyone else who may have wandered in, you are all about to witness a unique event in history. The very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us. However, it is a privilege and an honour to do so. I just hope that, so soon into our married life, I don’t let Louise down.

‘And so, as the one who’ll be calling the shots in this marriage… [pause, looks down uncertainly at notes] …at least I think she’s written down here…’

For weeks Louise has been talking about her mini skirt that she was going to wear today, but as it hasn’t made an appearance I thought I would base my speech on one instead. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention! To be honest I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I‘d found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered last time I did that it ended up being very expensive, in fact it seems to always end up with a wedding so I got back to writing a speech

Firstly, we’d like to thank Jim for his kind words and good wishes. And to thank him for his gift towards funding this wonderful day,

It’s lovely to see so many of our family and friends here today to help us celebrate the happiest day of our lives. I know that some of you have traveled a long way to be here and that means a lot to us. It really wouldn’t be the same without you all It’d be a darn sight cheaper, but that’s not the point. Thank you all for your very generous gifts

Unfortunately, it’s not been possible to have everyone we love here with us today, some have other commitments and therefore have sent their love and wishes and others have moved on and left us but we know they’re here with us in spirit and they’re not only in our thoughts today, but more importantly they’re with us in our hearts. It is a real shame I never got to know Mr P when he was in full strength, Louise talks of him so fondly. Also there are others who we have passed on that we loved, and always will love. They also are here in our thoughts and spirit. At this time, I would just lake to say how wonderful, supportive and sensitive Louise has been in respecting Maxine’s memory, thank you for the wonderful gift of the pocket watch, with Maxine’s photo and for all the other little things you do. So, with them in mind, would you please all stand, raise your glasses, and join me in a toast to absent family & friends.

Now for a short history lesson

Back in 2007, Before I first met Maxine (aka Mummy for the children) I was blissfully unaware of how much I needed a good woman in my life. Well it didn’t take long for me to realise that we worked well together and complemented each other’s weaknesses. It’s hard to one day suddenly find that such a large part of your life has gone. It was only then when you realise just how much someone means to you, that losing them leaves a large hole in my life. But eventually I remembered that I survived fine before I met her as I didn’t know the hole existed.

Now I find myself in a place which seemed unimaginable a couple of years back. Louise (also known as Mum) has made me realise (without trying to) that although Maxine will always be in my heart, there was plenty of space for her as well. I know realise that there was a different shaped hole in my life that I didn’t know existed until it was filled by Louise.

Thank you Louise for the wonderful gift of Love in a way I never again thought possible.

I promise that one day we will get to go on dates without the children,

Technology has its advantages, for instance I got a text message the other day saying that I could be entitled to compensation if I am the victim of an accident that was not my fault. So I am thinking of suing my parents for my conception.

Now as I alluded to earlier the reason we are all here together today is because of the Internet. My parents always said no good thing would come of it, well hopefully this has proved you wrong.

Now I’ve had a thought If girls are inclined to marry men just like their father, is that why so many mothers cry at weddings?

Louise if so lucky to have a mum like Jennifer, Jennifer you have made the three of us fell so welcome in your life and home. Although I didn’t intend on collecting mother-in-law’s, I seem to have picked well. So I’d like to sincerely thank Jennifer, for making me feel like the son she never wanted – sorry, the son she never had.

My parents have helped me enormously over the years and has seen me through thick and thin. Mainly thick, if I’m being honest but they have been there for me and I hope that I have done them proud. I really couldn’t have asked for a better parents and I thank you for everything that you have done, not just for me but for me and my wife. Thank you.

There is an unwritten rule of wedding etiquette that states that nobody should look more handsome than the groom and I’d like to thank our ushers Neil, Brian, and Matthew, along with the best man for sticking to that rule to the letter. I’m not quite sure that saying “You’ll sit where you’re ruddy well put” was really in the spirit of the day, but we’ll let that pass. Thanks to all of you.

I have known Steve, my Best Man, for only 8 years now, but it already feels like a lifetime and throughout that time he has been there for me when I have had career wobbles and needed advice. Unfortunately, I ignored all of the advice I was given and still went into a teaching career.
I’d like to thank him for all his help in organizing the stag do we had a fantastic weekend at Alton Towers, where we went on the Smiler and got legless (is that still too soon). But, most importantly I’d like to thank him for being a true friend.

However, there is something that I need to make you aware of. Steve suffers from a strange condition that occasionally causes him to drift in and out of weird, strange flights of fantasy. He has been known to make up fanciful stories, absolutely believing them to be true. Anyway, it’s only right that I advise you all of this ahead of his speech. As I say, he is a true friend and I wouldn’t want you to go upsetting him, so if you could bear with him, even join with him on his journey of make believe, I would appreciate it.

Apart from my wife, there are three other beautiful young ladies here today. Our wonderful daughter Daisy, Rebecca and my niece Lucy. We’d like to thank them very much for being such wonderful bridesmaids. We also have the old bridesmaids (I say that lovingly as you make my wife feel so young), Hayley, Louise’s’ sister and Karen, Louise’s . So, please stand and join me in a toast to the bridesmaids.
(To the bridesmaids!)

Finally on to the main topic of the day, wives.

Throughout my extensive experience of this, I have developed five golden rules

1. Find a woman who cooks and cleans and knows how to mend things.
2. Find a woman who makes you laugh.
3. Find a woman who’s warm, honest, reliable and loves children.
4. Find a woman who’s a wonderful lover who satisfies your every need.
5. And finally, whatever you do, make sure that these women never meet.’

Finally, I would like to thank my wife – I think I’m going to enjoy getting used to saying that – for agreeing to marry me and for making me the happiest man in the world. I think you’ll agree that she looks absolutely gorgeous today and when she walked up the aisle, she took my breath away.

They say you don’t marry someone you can live with – you marry the person who you can’t live without and I think that sums us up perfectly.
Louise is practically perfect in every way.

Now if I had to single out one thing about why I love Louise so much, it would be the fact that she makes me happier than I ever dreamed I could be. And I intend to spend the rest of my life making sure that the reverse is also true. I know that Louise has put a huge amount of effort into making today perfect and I think that she has done that, and more. Having known Louise for 18 months now, I have learned a valuable lesson – when I’m wrong, admit it. When I’m right, keep quiet! Seriously though, I never have a problem finding the words to express my love for Louise, but if I start then I probably won’t be able to stop. Suffice to say that, Louise, I love you so much and I can’t wait to grow old with you. Ladies and gentlemen, please stand and raise your glasses to my wife, Louise.
(To Louise!)

Now, I’m not going to stand here all afternoon and bore you all with a load of stale old jokes. That’s the Best Man’s job! So, without further ado, I’d like to hand over to Steve.